Journey into Randomness
by rcfan
Summary: Our favorite characters become victims of randomness! My first published fic, please read and review. Chapter 2 is up.
1. Discount Sushi

Author's note: Triclosan(a common antibacterial agent found in Dial soap...etc) when mixed with Chlorine(the standard additive to drinking water, swimming pools...etc) will produce toxic gases.

I bet you're wondering why I'm telling you this, read on and find out.

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Two cloaked figures walked across the dessert...

"Oh great! This is gonna go straight to my hips." said Sonic.

"Since when do you watch your weight?" asked the other figure.

"I started right before Sonic Adventure, my extra pixels were driving up the budget. I miss being fat though...maybe when I retire."

"How can they afford Eggman then?" asked the other figure.

"The real question is, how can they afford Rouge? I mean really-"

**"I AM ROUGE YOU IDIOT!"**

Sonic ran screaming like a little girl, wetting himself.

"Hey, I don't have any pants to wet."

Sonic was suddenly wearing big ugly golf pants.

"Ah, much better."

Rouge chased Sonic across the dessert, which happened to be a danish.

Rouge got stuck in a crater of cherry filling. (Mmm..)

"Yay, I lost the fat bat!" said Sonic happily.

"Hey! What are you doing wearing my pants? I'll make you pay for this!" said Eggman, pulling out a bazooka.

"I don't know what's more frightening, the bazooka or your bare bottom!"

For the sake of censorship Eggman suddenly had his pants back on.

"Hey, they're wet!"

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Meanwhile Knuckles found Rouge in the crater.

"Don't worry, I'll get you out!"

Knuckles jumped right into the sticky mess.

"Oops"

"Nice, now I'm stuck with you of all people!"

"At least we're alone..." said Knuckles with a grin.

Suddenly Charmy was thrown into the goo.

"Oh no...he's so annoying!" said Knuckles, crying.

"It's okay, I'll just sing you guys a happy song! **CHARMY BEE! CHARMY BEE!..."**

**"NOOOOOOO"**

"Okay, let me try another one...**HIT THE ROAD JACK, AND DON'T YOU COME BACK NO MORE, NO MORE, NO MORE, NO MORE..."**

**"SHUT UP!"**

"Okay, how about this one? It's a honey of an O; it's Honey Nut Cheerios!"

"Hey, they ran that ad campaign long before you were born. How did you know that jingle?" asked Rouge, eyeing the annoying little bee.

"Uh oh, I said too much" said Charmy.

Suddenly the Honey Nut Cheerios bee came and held his hand out to Charmy.

"Join me, I am your father!"

**"NOOOOOOO**, oh wait, that's right."

Charmy grabbed his hand and they began to fly away.

"Hey you little brat, take us with you!" bellowed Rouge.

"The less you know the better..." said Charmy as he faded away.

"Whoa, what's this "cherry" filling made out of, anyway? Must be some strong chemicals!" said Knuckles. "Here, let me try some."

Knuckles took a bite. "Hmm, it has a familiar warming sensation...kind of like Triclosan!"

"Erm, how do you know what Triclosan tastes like?"

"I have been taking care of myself all my life, how else would I be able to eat my own cooking?"

"Won't that make you sick?"

"It won't make me sick, I have more chlorine pulsing though my system than an olympic sized pool!" said Knuckles proudly.

"Eww, can you smell those fumes?"

"No, everywhere I go smells like that."

Rouge passed out.

"Great, so much for conversation."

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Elsewhere...

"Give me your fur now!" bellowed Eggman to a certain black hedgehog.

"I might have amnesia but that doesn't make me stupid!" yelled Shadow.

"Hey look, a pony!" said Eggman, pointing behind Shadow.

"Yeah right, like I'm going to fall for that one."

"Um, oh look...Maria!" Eggman points to Vector.

"Maria!" cried Shadow as he chased after Vector.

"Do I look like a Maria to you?" asked Vector. "You're giving me the creeps, I'm outta here!"

"Wait, you work for me!" yelled Eggman as Vector ran away, followed closely by Shadow.

"You don't pay me enough for this!" yelled Vector.

"Maria, wait up. You're running too fast!"

**"Ahhhh!" **

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Sonic was wandering the dessert, glad to be away from Rouge and Eggman.

Suddenly sexy music started to play.

"Oh no, that can mean only one thing, Amy!"

Sure enough, Amy was heading towards Sonic, running.

"Amy! I'm not interested in you, can't you take a hint? You need to find someone, how do I say this? You need to find someone "in your league" if you get what I mean. Now go on, just get out of here! I mean it, don't make me be hard on you."

Amy continued to run in Sonic's direction.

"Alright Amy, I hate to do this but you leave me no other choice-"

Amy ran past Sonic and jumped into Tails' arms, giving him a warm kiss.

"What? You and Tails? You and my best friend? whaaa-" asked Sonic, dumbfounded.

"Amy is _the_ best thing that has ever happened to me. I'm one hundred percent positive she's my soul mate. Don't worry Sonic, I'm sure there's a babe out there for you too. Peace out."

Tails flew off with Amy.

Sonic just stood there for a long time, then he began to look around.

"What kind of place is this!"

Suddenly Vector ran right into Sonic.

"Hey, watch the merchandise!" scolded Sonic.

"Please help me! Some loony thinks I'm a dame named Mario!"

"No, Maria. Not Mario." said Shadow.

"Hey Shade, does that look like a Maria to you? He's way too ugly!"

"Hey, who're you calling ugly, hedgehog? Hedgehogs are the ugliest species on the planet-erm, danish!"

Both Sonic and Shadow glared at Vector.

"Get him!" yelled Shadow.

"Don't tell me what to do, I'm on it!" yelled Sonic back.

Eggman bumped into the three fighters.

"My pants are still wet, give me your fur!" ordered Eggman.

"Newsflash, my fur wouldn't even cover one cheek!" said Shadow.

"I hope you mean his face!" said Vector.

"Vector?"

"Yes Sonic?"

"You're an idiot."

"Wait, I have a better idea. Crocodile never goes out of style!" said Eggman with a gleam in his eye.

"Umm, actually it does." said Shadow as-a-matter-of-factly.

"Not in Australia." said a "cherry" covered Knuckles, carrying an unconscious Rouge.

"Phew, what's that awful smell?" asked Eggman, turning green.

"It's some kind of poison gas" answered Shadow.

Everyone began to cough.

"Feeling faint, even my hotness can't help me survive..." said Sonic as he passed out.

Only Knuckles was unaffected, everyone else was unconscious.

"More chilidogs mommy..." muttered Sonic in his sleep.

"I hate it when this happens" said Knuckles, shaking his head.

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Yuji Naka woke up after a long nightmare.

"That's the last time I eat discount sushi." he said to himself.

"Hey pal, I need to have a word with you."

"Sure Sonic, what is it?"

"The next time you decide to have a nightmare count us out!"

Everyone agreed with Sonic.

The End.


	2. What would you do?

"Join me, I am your father!" ordered Eggman as he stretched out his hand to a certain cobalt hedgehog.

"Riiiiight, like I'm gonna fall for that one." responded Sonic, picking his nose for no apparent reason, like he does in the games.

"Okay, join me and I'll protect you from your enemies."

"Me? Enemies? Yeah right! Everyone loves me. I'm so hot it _hurts_."

As if on cue, Amy Rose comes running for our hero, "Sonic! Sonic, I'm all ready for our big date! You know, the one where you propose to me and I say yes and then we get engaged and then I pick out china patterns and then we get married and then we go on our honeymoon and then we settle down and we have a dozen kids and a dog and a house with a white picket fence?"

Sonic's eye began to twitch, unhealthily.

Then he screamed like a little girl.

"So, do we have a deal?" asked Eggman with a good natured chuckle.

"What is thy bidding, my master?" asked Sonic in a deep voice.

"Decisions, decisions! Where to start? Oooh, this is truly delicious!" declared Eggman, clapping his hands in front of him like a giddy schoolgirl.

The scene caught the attention of a not-so-giddy schoolgirl, eating a confectionery delight. "Actually, this is truly delicious. But you're entitled to your own opinion Mr. Badman, sir."

"Cream, fly up over there and grab Sonic for me." ordered Amy.

"Let me finish this first please." asked Cream, licking her ice cream.

"Where did you get that?" asked Eggman, leaning over and drooling all over hers.

"Umm, here, you can just have it." said Cream, handing her now contaminated ice cream bar to the portly doctor.

He ate the whole thing in one bite, then rubbed his belly in satisfaction. "Where did you get that, I must have more!"

"Umm, I got it from that camera crew, sir."

"You stole it? Well, good for you-"

"No no, they gave it to me."

"They _gave_ it to you?"

"Yes, they asked me what I'd do for one and I did it."

"Sonic, as your master I order you to go over and get me some of that ice cream!"

"As you wish, my master."

Sonic headed over to the camera crew.

Suddenly, peppy commercial music started to play.

_"For that chocolaty coated; ice cream loaded, big and thick; no room for a stick! What would you do for a KLONDIKE bar?" _

"And here we have the world's hero, Sonic the Hedgehog! Tell us, what would you do for a Klondike bar?" asked an overly perky interviewer.

"Umm, what exactly did you have in mind?" asked Sonic, starting to worry.

"Would you, marry Amy Rose?"

"Umm, no."

"Come on, Sonic. The entire world is watching. Would you disappoint your fans?"

"Umm, maybe I'd _consider_ it." Sonic lied, gulping in front of the cameras.

Suddenly Amy is standing beside him, wearing a wedding dress.

"I now pronounce you hedgehog and wife, you may kiss the bride."

"_What? _You have no right to marry us, you're just an interviewer!" screamed Sonic, no longer caring what the world thought.

"Sure I'm an interviewer now, but my first job was at a wedding chapel in Vegas." said the man with a grin.

Sonic looked at him, then at his new wife.

Then he screamed and ran away.

"Here, this should cover it." said Amy as she handed the man five hundred dollars.

"Pleasure doing business with you."

Sonic ran past Eggman with Amy in hot pursuit.

"Did you get my ice cream?" asked Eggman impatiently.

"No, but I did tie the knot! Nice job of protecting me, go get your own stinking ice cream!" shrieked one very angry hedgehog.

"Hey, you work for me!" yelled Eggman as Sonic faded away.

"Why don't you go get yourself some ice cream?" asked Cream.

"Hey, I have an idea. I'll go get myself some ice cream!" said Eggman triumphantly, "It's good to be a genius!"

Cream just shook her head and flew away.

Eggman headed over to the camera crew.

Suddenly peppy commercial music started to play.

_"For that chocolaty coated; ice cream loaded, big and thick; no room for a stick! What would you do for a KLONDIKE bar?" _

"Hello sir, what's your name?" asked the interviewer.

"I am Dr, Robotnik, greatest scientific mind-"

"Mr. Robotnik, great. Tell us, what would you do for a Klondike bar? Would you play patty cake?"

"That's completely idiotic. I'm a genius, not a toddler!"

"Would you do it for a Klondike bar?" asked the interviewer, waving an open bar under the good doctor's nose.

"Peas porridge hot...", Dr. Eggman played patty cake on national television, just for a Klondike bar.

"Good boy!" said the interviewer as he threw the treat into Eggman's mouth.

Eggman ate it in one bite and begged for more.

"Sorry, it's one bar per person."

"Please, just one more." begged the doctor, puppy pouting.

"Somehow it's just not cute when you do it, sorry."

"I could make it worth your while-"

"Fine, but keep this quiet. If anyone finds out I could lose my job."

Eggman followed the interviewer home.

"What are we doing on Angel Island? This is where the guardian lives." asked Eggman.

"I know." the 'interviewer' took off his suit to reveal that he was Knuckles.

Knuckles laughed at the surprised expression on Eggman's face, "Yeah, yeah. I know what you're thinking, but it butters the bread."

"And with a girlfriend like Rouge you'd need alot of butter." Eggman muttered under his breath.

"Did you say something?" asked Knuckles.

"No no, nothing. So, when are we going to get to having those Klondike bars." asked Eggman, eagerly.

"Follow me." said Knuckles, leading him to a rundown shack.

The house was in horrible shape, many offensive odors combined to create a toxic effect.

"Would you clean my toilet?" asked Knuckles seriously.

"Not on your life!" said the doctor, appalled.

"Would you do it for a Klondike bar?"

Sure enough, Eggman cleaned his toilets until they were sparkling.

"Would you do my laundry?"

"Would you clip my toenails?"

"Would you clean my teeth?"

"Would you shine the Master Emerald?"

"Would you carry me so that I don't have to walk?"

"Would you cook me dinner?"

"Would you cook me another dinner? I didn't like the last one."

Pretty soon Eggman was nearing exhaustion, all because of his addiction to Klondike bars.

At Tails' workshop...

"Come on Sonic, get your butt out of bed!" yelled Tails.

Sonic had been in bed since his "marriage" to Amy a week ago, curled up in a fetal position.

"Naw, I don't feel like it. Why don't you go make me a chili dog instead?" suggested Sonic with a sniff.

Tails gave him a murderous look.

"Or I could get up, heh heh."

"That's what I thought you said."

Tails groaned, someone was knocking on his door again.

Tails opened it and didn't even bother to look at who it was, he already knew.

"Amy, Sonic is sick still. Food poisoning or something, he might not make it-"

"Please help me! Please save me from myself."

Eggman was on his knees in front of the two tailed fox, begging most sincerely.

"What happened to you? You're _huge!_" exclaimed Tails in disbelief.

Eggman was topping 700 pounds.

Tails invited Eggman inside, and after knocking down the wall beside the doorway Eggman managed to squeeze through.

He told Tails about everything.

"So, do you think you can help me? Please?" asked the now tomato shaped genius.

"I think we can help, but first I need to have a little talk with Sonic."

"No need, I heard the whole thing. Knuckles will pay for this!" said Sonic with a frightening gleam in his eyes.

"No need for violence on my account, although I do appreciate it, Sonic. You're a real pal." said Eggman.

_'Bah, I wasn't talking about getting even for him. He's so full of himself...'_

"Umm, don't worry. I'm not planning on killing Knuckles exactly, so no violence needed, heh." said Sonic as he began to pick his nose for no apparent reason.

"Why do you do that, anyway?" asked Eggman

"Do what?"

"Nevermind."

"First off, are you willing to do everything it takes to come clean?" asked Tails seriously.

"Yes, I'm willing to do whatever it takes." answered the ballooning doctor.

"Alright then, I'm gonna hold you to that. E-123 come in here please."

The robot obeyed and entered the room, awaiting further commands.

Tails turned towards him and gave him his instructions.

He was to keep an eye on Dr. Eggman at all times and keep him away from any sweets, especially Klondike bars.

They agreed that Eggman would stay with them until he was well enough to live alone.

Everything went fine until that evening...

"Subject, Dr. Fatass. Mission objective, to keep the doctor from obtaining additional sources of fat. Mission difficulty, hard-"

"I can hear you, you fool!" cried Eggman, glaring at his new nanny.

To be continued...

**Yay, reviews!**

**Thanks for the reviews, they make me happy. **

**Here's some questions and answers:**

**Question from Shade-the-Hedgehog: ...a little more info would be appreciated like why did Eggman want Shadow's fur in the first place and hedgehogs have spines. Eggman would never be able to wear it or he'd be pin-cushioned to death so he'd need a different motive for it.**

**Answer: Eggman wanted Shadow's fur because, well, his pants were wet. Sure Shadow has spines but Eggman prolly didn't think about that part, he often overlooks important details. Not only that but the whole fanfic is supposed to be...well, stupid.**

**Question from Shade-the-Hedgehog: So Amy goes from making out with Tails to tricking Sonic into marrying her?**

**Answer: The last chapter was Yuji Naka's discount sushi induced nightmare, it didn't _really_ happen.**

**Question from LonelyArtist: Yay! I loved it! What was the plot again?**

**Answer: Thanks alot, I loved writing it, lol. The plot in the first chapter was a nightmare. This chapter is completely separate from the first one, _"Discount Sushi"._**

**Comment from Marie the Hedgecat: HEE... Funny-ness! Awesome-ness! YAY, torture Eggman!**

**Reply: Will do, lol!**

**Thank you so much for the reviews, the next chapter is coming soon! **


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